And the Oscar Goes to. . . George Clooney

Who, me?

Why should George Clooney win the Best Actor Oscar?  Well, he deserves it.  Simple as that.  Will he win?  Who knows.  The Academy isn’t always fair.  Life isn’t fair.  Or even sane.  Couple years ago they awarded a low budget war movie Best Picture over Avatar.  Granted, it was a good film, but Avatar was a great film.  Like Clooney, it had a social conscience.  It broke barriers.  It took “original and bold” to a completely different level.  Most of Hollywood has little that is new.  Instead we get police procedurals featuring serial killers, or vampire sequels.  Often there is product placement for junk food, soda, and gas-guzzling vehicles.  Clooney has been an advocate for the environment and for peace, and has made political statements both offscreen and on (in his movie choices, such as Syriana and Michael Clayton.)  He did humanitarian work in Darfur, and has served as a United Nations Messenger of Peace.  In THE DESCENDANTS he proved once again that isn’t afraid to show his non-glamourous side, without makeup.  He hasn’t colored his hair or gone for Botox or facelifts, although he joked a few times that he has, “can’t you tell?”  Clooney has a sense of humor, unlike his nemesis Bill O’Reilly, who lied repeatedly about him.  Certainly, he has made a few mistakes in his career, and yes, there are other worthy performances this year, notably Jean Dujardin in “The Artist.”  But because he’s a great actor and a genuinely nice guy, I pick Clooney.  Which is also why he has a cameo in my novel The Instant Celebrity.

Midget Snake Handlers Take Hollywood

A new show to be marketed in eleven states next month is Midget Snake Handlers Take Hollywood.  A pilot supposedly featuring a clan of convicted mini televangelists was reported to have been completed, but we’ve recently learned that no such show exists, and Direct TV is merely experimenting with one of their unused channels.  “It’s to be a show where you never actually get to the content, due to endless commercials and previews,” reports Not Entertainment News.  “All style and no substance has long been their theme, but this is that philosophy on steroids.”  In other news, the IRS is getting desperate.  With Republicans and the upper 1% like Romney refusing to part with one nickel more than they have to (ie. “from my cold, dead hands!”), and with Congress strategically deadlocked and constipated due to banking lobbyists clogging Congressional bathrooms, the IRS is being forced to act on its own.  The following will be the new procedures for an audit:  
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    1)  You are sent a formal letter and asked either to answer
        additional questions or to supply additional documentation.
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    2)  You are asked to “come on down” to your local IRS office,
        where you are strapped to a Delco battery and jolted for
        two hours by ESPN and Direct TV until you agree to pay
        certain “cable penalties.”
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    3)  Your kids are held hostage in an underground bunker or
        salt mine until all payments and penalties are paid in full.
        (While there, they are taught valuable lessons in banking,
         conformity, and the historical relevance of the KGB.)
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    4)  All your property (real or imagined) is seized and sold
        at auction to a bunch of yard sale junkies.  If you have
        already paid your full tax bill prior to the auction, after
        it’s over you are given half of the proceeds from the
        auction.
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    5)  You are forbidden ever to own taxable property again,
        and will not be eligible to have an imprinted number placed
        on your hand after the election permitting you to such
        purchases.   (This number is 28 digits, preceded by
        the number 666)