Imagine Hollywood…in an Alternate Universe

Oscar's HijackIf you interviewed physicist Brian Greene, (and I did), you’d discover the possibility for an unlimited number of alternate universes (the universe now being called the “multiverse.”)  Imagine the possible Hollywood scenarios which might exist out there. . .

In a move which may upstage both the Oscars and Grammys next year, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards in acting and musical performance.  These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson.  “We’re number one,” Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm.  Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by Uma Thurmann and Sir Elton John, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries.  “If there is continued demand for it,” Hanson declared, “maybe next year we’ll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Screenwriting or Fashion.”  Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces, plus Pamela Anderson.  In an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Hollywood mega stars.  And yes, you will be able to try this at home soon.

A fifty foot tall 24-caret gold Emmy statue weighing sixty thousand pounds crumpled and fell under its own weight, crushing Emma Kowalski, a pregnant mother of three watching a TV monitor outside the awards pavilion. The incident went unnoticed by the more than nine hundred other star-struck fans because one of the stars of Grey’s Anatomy had just stepped outside to share a “cigarette” with the host of Dancing With the Stars. The brain damaged statue was taken under tight security to a warehouse in Burbank, where it will be melted down to make jewelry for gangster rappers attending the MTV awards. Emma will be buried in Wichita next to her grandmother, who was killed last year by a falling gold Grammy.

During rehearsal for the Oscars, actor Brad Pitt slipped on a cue card and fell into the orchestra pit. His head lodged firmly in a tuba, Pitt attempted to climb out, but was struck by a collapsing scaffold. “The tuba probably saved his life,” insisted Harriett Berkendorfer, a temporary set decorator working for scale. “Without the tuba, Brad would now be a circus freak.” Later questioned by police at her People magazine interview, however, Harriett broke down and confessed to being part of an elaborate kidnapping scheme involving several makeup artists and busboys. The compromised scaffold was intended to cut Pitt off from bodyguards, and scare him to a side door, where a van was waiting, but was ticketed. “Wearing that tuba, the door was too narrow for him,” Harriett sobbed, “and so our moment of opportunity vanished quicker than Kathy Lee Gifford’s career.”

Across the street from the Beverly Hills Church of Scientology, a SWAT team today burst in on a gathering of the INNER CIRCLE, a secret and selective group of actors, singers, models, designers, and talk show hosts who have sworn allegiance to the cell’s God. Under interrogation, actress Calista Flockhart shared her group’s goals. “We intend to rid the world of anyone not on the hot list. If you can’t afford Fendi and Gucci, and people don’t know who you are, you’re not really alive anyway, and therefore you shouldn’t be polluting a beautiful planet which we, in fact, own. Am I right?” Sixteen canisters of Serin gas were found on the premises, along with assorted land mines, rocket launchers, Stinger missiles, and crates of poisoned Poison perfume. In addition, it was learned that God’s bodyguard–Kevin Costner–had been promised a return to the A list from the dreaded C list once he completed his mission in Wichita against “those who are not even on the Z list.” When it was suggested that God herself was now on the Z list herself, Costner first seemed stunned by the blasphemy, then whispered, “Hey, maybe there’s a place for me and Harrison in the Trinity, after all?” Raising his voice, then, Costner added, “Ally be praised!”

Oscar night was also venue for several surprise backstage announcements this year. For one, because the prequels look so much better than the original film which spawned them, fans have been demanding that Harrison Ford reshoot the original film of the series. So STAR WARS is going into re-production, and the remake will no doubt result in a re-filming of the sequels too. . . and then possibly the prequels once again. And on and on. “There’s really no end to it,” George Lucas commented by satellite phone from Sri Lanka, his most recent purchase. “Call it my gift to the ages.” When asked who Harrison may be teamed with as a love interest, Lucas suggested Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. “Did I mention,” George added, “that the remake will be a musical?”

Actor Keanu Reeves told the Hollywood Reporter this week that he is the only real actor left, and that everyone else is locked into a titanium sensor grid at the center of the earth, dreaming their lives away, doing sequels.  Giving the weather report from the surface, Reeves claims that nuclear winter has been a reality for “some time now,” and that no groundhogs are still alive to see their shadow, if they could.  “It’s very dark and windy up here,” the actor reported from Grid phone 16345.58.  “Scattered acid rains and radioactive tornados have covered southern California, and are moving east at 220 MPH.  Expect hurricane force propane clouds to hit Florida in about an hour as the Troguldites from Centuri 9 plan to burn away the last remaining mosquitos prior to colonization.”  When asked why the aliens chose to keep him on the surface to witness all this, Keanu claimed ignorance, but said he has given up smoking anything for the time being.

A tour bus arriving from West Virginia, containing passengers all ironically named Billy, offloaded last night near a Dennys on Melrose.  The star struck tourists were treated to ham and eggs in the presence of none other than Billy Bob Thornton, an encounter which left four of them in the hospital when the enraged actor and his bodyguard introduced them to a bubbling french fryer upon being called “cousin.”  A fifth Billy then reportedly put his own hands into the fryer.  When asked by the police why he did it, William V first pleaded the Fifth, then pointed to their school bus and said he was failing history class and needed to “grasp the glory that was Greece.”

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