Predictions (from A to Zzzzzz…)

TV addictionEverybody is making predictions these days.  Here’s mine. Do you really need a crystal ball?  The writing is already on the wall (if we don’t revamp Medicare quick).  Welcome to 2015, and a new world of economic realities. Do not leave home before learning your ABCs…  
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“A” is for AUDIT:  Now the highest cause for anxiety, even before your divorce or the death of your family at the hands of one of 468,000 newly released serial killers on parole.

“B” is for BLACK HOLE:  The place to which money for entitlements, stimulus packages, and bailouts go. (Not even cents can escape)

“C” is for CONGRESS:  A private club for lawyers who still haven’t decided how many angels can dance on the head of a pin (although they do know how many taxpayers can twist in the wind.)

DEFICIT SPENDING:  The continued buying of people’s votes with money their great great great grandkids haven’t yet earned.

EARTH:  A planet, third from Sol, containing only man…and endangered species.

GLOBAL WARMING:  The effect on the polar ice cap of increased carbon dioxide caused by the burning of buildings during riots.

HIEROGLYPHICS:  The flat tax (and term limits) having been defeated again, a new system of communication now utilized by the tax codes.  (Thank your politician/lawyer.)

HYPERINFLATION:  Formerly called “inflation.”  The devaluing of paper money by printing more of it to pay off the interest on the Debt.  Standard 2014 loaf-of-bread cost (LOB): $69.95.

JEWELRY:  Trinkets which are accepted for recycling–in lieu of gold coins–to buy your survival at selected grocery supermarkets.  (Look for the hot blue light meltdown specials.)

LOOT:  Store merchandise taken by force to supplement worthless government checks.  3D TVs comprise the most popular loot, and can be bartered for drugs like “Yit.”  Once TVs are depleted from stores, the stores are torched to send a message: “4D TVs.”  

MEDICARE:  A government agency which accepts for payment a bill of $900 for a pack of Bandaids, and then uses it to “fix” the economy.

National Health Care:  A system which continues to make healthy people pay for those who smoke too much, drink too much, and now watch “Who Wants to be a Trillionaire?” while pigging out on potato chips and pork rinds.

OIL:  A substance even more valuable than your gold. . . or your children.  (As in “Mad Max.”)  

POLITICS:  A shell game played by blind Congresspersons between budget crisis committee meetings and impeachment hearings.  

QUADRUPLE:  What now happens to the world’s poor population (and cable bills) every year.

RECESSION:  The result of Unemploy-a-noia.  Leads directly to Tropical Depression, with Category 5 winds, and God’s “testing the crap out of church structures and trailer parks.”

SOCIAL SECURITY:  {See any History textbook}

TAXES:  A figure which rises along with the debt ceiling . . . and often in direct relationship to Senate junkets to Tahiti.

UNEMPLOY-A-NOIA:  The neurotic fear of losing even one’s government job. (May lead to insomnia, prejudice, and severe addiction to TV game shows.)

VAMPIRES:  Politicians, bankers, and everyone else Ron Paul has been talking about (with no one listening.)

VOODOO ECONOMICS:  The practice of economics within the White House budget office, heavily relying on signs seen in the entrails of birds.

WHITE HOUSE:  A large off-white building in Washington DC, long in need of another coat of whitewash.                    

Yttrium:  A banned metallic chemical element (#39) used to make Yit, a drug which induces the pleasant memories of the “good ole days.” (as in “Have you got yit?”)

Zzzzzzz:  What Congress has been doing for years.

 

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